Trigger warning: Eating Disorders
Today, on the final day of Eating Disorders Awareness Week, we talk to Christopher Cook – a poet and graphic designer who warns of eating disorder dangers after anorexia nearly killed him.
Christopher Cook is, in his own words, lucky to be alive.
Anorexia left him with barely working heart muscles, jaundice of the eyes and skin, damaged nerves, abnormal organ function and “shockingly low” blood levels.
He was just days from death when admitted to hospital for treatment. The eating disorder which started as “a friend full of promises” had become an evil “foe full of pain”.
“Each person with anorexia, or other eating disorders, endures every single minute of every single day – usually behind an artificial mask saying that all is well,” said Christopher.
“Fortunately, I got specialist intervention – but those that don’t may suffer in silence until the illness infects them completely.”
From happy teen to troubled twenties
Just a decade earlier, while transitioning from teenager to adult, he was happy, confident and full of plans – including getting a degree, a great job, his own home and a perfect family.
Anything less, he believed at the time, would “cement his existence in this world as an utter failure” and “shame” those he loved. Anorexia was to turn his world upside down.
“I spent my twenties existing under a black cloud of crying, arguments, deprivation, self-hatred and inflicted isolation,” said Christopher, 32, who is involved in graphic design.
‘’The feeling of lack of ‘control’ in life is a major reason for eating disorders. People welcome the disorder in the false hope that ‘it’ will guarantee them the regaining of that lost control.”
Path to problems
Problems first started when long-term friends went their separate ways after final exams. The move to university also proved difficult, and he felt unable to adapt to campus life.
“This led into a sealed bottle of panic, confusion, sadness and loss. I felt scared, and this fear eventually led into not wanting to leave the house or even go out in public,” he said.
“Now a lone prisoner of internal paranoia, I decided to drop out of university with no alternative career opportunities. I had no future or purpose at this point.”
At the same time as Christopher was struggling with his mental health, so he witnessed a relative fighting for life through alcohol abuse – and also lost a close friend in a car crash.
As the months went by he lost the ability to talk or make eye contact and found waking up each day more, and more, difficult. A diagnosis of depression and anxiety eventually followed.
Foe full of pain
“I despised myself, conceiving that the only rational explanation for my world crumbling was that I was ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’. It makes no sense, but my head irrationally believed it,” he said.
In an attempt to turn his life around, Christopher put himself on a strict diet and increased his exercise. He was convinced that losing weight would start him back on the path to success.
“No-one with an eating disorder is fool enough to self-inflict such agonising mental torture. Rather, they are fooled by an internal voice which sounds like their own, but isn’t,” he said.
“Little did I know that voice would actually be anorexia in disguise. It tricked me and took on the role of puppet master. It sounds like a friend full of promises but is a foe full of pain.”
Health problems and broken family
The weight dropped off Christopher as the months went by. Instead of spotting the warning signs, however, he cut his food intake still further – driven on by his internal puppet master.
“The monster had me believe that by cutting out fats, carbohydrates, sugars and carbonates completely, I would be assured a ‘better body’, a ‘better life’, a ‘better me’” he said.
“The love and trust I gave anorexia to get back control of my life led to me not only to illness, but also to a broken family who had to watch an eating disorder slowly killing me.
“Thankfully for me, a routine blood test flagged that my blood levels were shockingly low, my organ functions were abnormal, and my heart muscles were operating at only 17% capacity.
“I was literally days away from death.”
Journey to recovery
With his condition deemed critical, Christopher was admitted to a specialist eating disorder unit at the RVI Hospital in Newcastle, The ward is run by TEWV’s provider collaboratives partner Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust.
He spent six months in hospital, during which time he needed to be tube fed – and had to re-learn basic daily living skills, such as how to eat, drink and socialise.
“It was while I was in hospital that I also learned how to become a human that knows of love once more, and no longer the infected walking disease I had become,” he said.
Christopher is now in his second year of recovery and hopes his story will act as a warning sign to those with a loved one who might be hiding an eating disorder and need urgent help.
“The morale of this story is to never follow the path I did!’’ said Christopher.
“But know that recovery is possible, and so is living life again. Please do all you can to find specialist care – talking about your situation is the only way to bring changes for the better.”
Support, help and further resources:
BEAT: The charity provides a wide range of information and guidance on eating disorders. It also holds specialist courses and operates a helpline for those in need: The UK’s Eating Disorder Charity – Beat (beateatingdisorders.org.uk)
EDNE: Eating Distress North East provides information on family support, counselling, health and wellbeing workshops, mindfulness courses and training and education: Eating Distress North East – Charitable Organisation (edne.org.uk)
GPs: Your own doctor can provide information on eating disorders and refer you to specialist services.
Recovery College Online: Information for service users, carers, staff and anyone with an interest in eating disorders. Eating Disorders – Recovery College Online.
